A Real Rocker

I've never understood those that don't get Neil. They want their stars to be a certain thing. Neil will never be a certain thing. He is simple Neil.



Keep on rockin'

Let's Do It For Our Country...The Red, White and the Blue!

"It's Uncle Sam who's asking, so your mother would approve."
What was once the forbidden act is now a symbol of patriotism.

Or so it would seem after yesterday's news from Tehran, Iran. On Wednesday, the supreme religious leader of Iran, Sayyid Ali Khameini, answered questions concerning what is and is not permissible during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.

To be specific, Khameini, who is Iran's most powerful political and religious figure, was asked on his website : "If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?"

"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥaram intentional breaking fasting," the Iranian leader said, posting the reply on his website.

A few points I would like to make:

1) How frikin insane is it that Khameini has a WEBSITE?!! (bookmarking............now)
2) Who knew there were so many patriotic young people in this country? Because now, shocking the monkey is a Red Bloodied, American Act of Patriotism! Of course the difficult part will be convincing the wife that it's nothing against her, I'm just supporting our troops!
3) How long will it take for Mark Foley's lawyer to work this angle?

What a Beautiful Day!

I am undefeated in Kyle Field....
Can you dig it?

The Next 72 Hours...in no particular order

I will own you...

The Queen is Dead...Long Live the Queen

The first vote I ever cast...you will be missed

One Week....

I can't wait until we crush the Froggies....

Cold Medication and the Countdown

With the beginning of a new school year, some things are certain. The crushing of young souls with actual homework and the inevitable cold are just a few. Both have already taken place. In only the 3rd week of school...it felt as though my throat had been attacked by South American Flesh Eating Ants! After taking the day off, getting around 18 hours of shut eye, mega doses of OJ and cold medication and contemplating the fact that we are merely 96 hours away from kickoff, I have decided to make some observations about this years Texas Tech Football season.

1st and 10

A new season. A fresh start. When last I was seated in a football stadium it the last day of 2005. Now the term "stadium" and the Cotton Bowl are two terms that usually don't go together, but it was my Red Raiders, back in the Bowl since 1995 (I hate Keyshawn Johnson). It was the culmination of a great year. It ended with the weak, end over end field goal that most in the stadium were cheering as a sure miss...and victory for the good guys.
After waiting what seems like an entire afternoon picking out paint with the wife...we are here again.
The start of something great....

Volcanoes

Since March, I have been honored to be the head coach of the Frenship Youth Baseball Shetland team, The Volcanoes. Our Spring season was less than stellar during the regular season.

The team is made up of 5 and 6 year olds who, on our team anyway, had never played anything other than t-ball. This league plays coach pitch, in which the players must hit a thrown ball from their own coach. Most of the teams in the league were all ahead of the Volcanoes, having played not only in the Fall the year before but then had a whole season of spring ball under their belts before this season started. Needless to say, the Volcanoes went down 0-15.

But in a miraculous turn of events, every team is then a part of an end of season tournament. Being the cellar dwellers, we got the honor of playing the play in game...something similiar to the NCAA March Madness. We were the Monmouth getting our chance at Duke...or in this league...the Express, which had 20 and 10 run ruled us in the regular season. Taking only a 3 run lead into the final inning, the Express went on to defeat the Volcanoes sending us to the losers bracket where we would play out nemisis, a team that we had lost to 3 times by a combined 5 runs!
Not only did we win...but we went on to rattle off 3 wins in a row in the tourney before going down...ending up in 5th place!

So at the end of this summer, the league has a shortened season known as Fall Ball...which really should be called "Hotter than Hell Summer League"! After a glitch in getting the team together, I took the helm of a mixed team of former Valcanoes as well as kids just looking for a place to play...some had never played before and most had only t-ball experience again. We were going up against teams that were simply tuning up before they advanced to the next level...machine pitch.
We are still winless...but I have never enjoyed anything as much as being a part of this team. The kids are having a blast...they are getting better every game.

Finding joy in the midst of absolute failure is a theme that seems to be going around these days. I'm not sure what is in the water but it seems that bad times have settled over a couple of my amigos. Although going winless in coach pitch is not really the same as losing a job or being in a soul sucking job, we all make the choice on how we handle the adversity that kicks us in the groin from time to time. Are we to sit and allow these things to define who we are? It seems that when you are going out of your way to give back to others, even in the midst of failure...you are rewarded with something that changes who you are.

Giving time to teach a kid to keep his head in when swinging a bat...staying down on that groundball and following through when they throw the ball...all simple things but so rewarding at the end of the game to see that one sparkling catch or clutch hit, even if we are down 10 runs in the last at bat! I think the main reason I LOVE baseball so much is that you have to continually deal with failure. Think about it, if you go 3 for 10...which in other words you FAILED 7 out of 10 times...you are pretty much a hall of famer if you continue on that pace for your career. If you cannot mentally handle adversity, baseball will eat you alive...and I love it!

So to my amigos who have been kicked around recently, don't be the one on the bench that's given up. Be the one buggin me to put you in...wanting to get that hit or make that play in the outfield! Put me in coach...I'm ready to play!

Boooo....schoolboard....HORAAAY VAN HALEN!!!

Texas School District Bans Cleavage
(CBS) ARLINGTON, Texas With a new school year about to begin, some female students in one Texas school district may have to rethink their wardrobes.

Teen fashions often leave parents a little disgruntled. Arlington Independent School District parent Frances Henson said, “I'm thinking that our daughters are growing up a little bit too fast these days.”

Arlington School Board members agree with parents and this summer, they adopted an unusual amendment to the student dress code.

The new dress code reads, in part, “The display of cleavage is unacceptable. Low cut blouses, tops, sweaters, etc. with plunging necklines are not allowed."

“It's gotten bad enough that, unfortunately, our young males are looking at more than their English book, their speech book, their science book,” says school board president Sherri Wade. “And it's kind of nice to have something left to the imagination.”

Even some teenagers agree there is a problem. “I think it's good that they're doing it,” said student, Tyler Edwards.

Others students say it makes back-to-school shopping more difficult. “I just have to be more careful with what shirts I buy. Change my style a little,” said student, Maria Lopez.

While most parents support the new rule, some worry that enforcing it could be a challenge. “I think that's going to be a little tricky, because it puts a little bit of a policeman approach to the educators, and they really need to focus more on teaching,” said Tom Pederson, AISD parent.

The school board president says they'll do both… and in time, she says, the no cleavage rule will be no problem.

(© MMVI, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

How Long....

Tick tock....

Rebels Rise Up...Leader Feels Fluish

Lawmakers worked into the night Tuesday as the United States government began mobilizing to possibly aid a transition towards democracy in Cuba following word that Fidel Castro has fallen ill.

Although the Bush administration appeared "suprised" to hear of the failing health of the Cuban dictator some believe that the CIA was directly involved in the situation.
In what is being called the "Pollo de Invasion" translated The Invasion of the Chicken, thousands of chickens believed infected with the Avian Bird Flu were dropped by crop dusters flown by CIA trained rebels over the capital of Havana.

Some locals were thrilled by the sights."It looked like the 1st of May...except with chickens!", said Andy Morales who described the almost festival atmosphere in the streets as the birds drifted to the ground. But by later in the evening, the sounds of joy turned to sadness as many of the Havanaites turned deathly ill.

It is still unknown whether these birds made their way into the Presidential compound but reports have come in that the heaviest concentration of chickens were near Castro's 1,200 sq. ft. hacienda.

Felipe Pérez Roque, Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Cuba commented that if this was a preemtive strike against the soverign nation of Cuba, there could be serious reprecusions. Cuban baseball players have already been alerted to defect only to Columbia or Venezuela if these attacks continue.

Feeling Old

Do you remember 25 years ago today? I actually was blessed enough to have a 7 foot satellite dish in my backyard on that day.

Another example of feeling old....

Tetris for Life

2 Florida teens who were recently sentenced to death row for a killing over an xBox video game received worse news this morning.
In a suprising act, Florida governor Jeb Bush overturned the decision made in the St. Augustine courtroom. The teens will no longer have to face the horrors of the needle but to a life of hell....
In what some judicial experts are referring to as the Nintendo Act, the two boys will be required to spend 18 hours a day for the rest of their lives playing Tetris.
Attornies for the boys are appealing the ruling arguing that this is a blatant violation of the 8th Amendment.

Back From the Cave

After a long slumber from the site...Helmut, like the morning after a Mel Gibson smackdown, will be returning.

State of Union to Broadcast in English

Not my original work...but too funny to not post here!

President Hopes to Reach Broader Audience, Aides Say

For the first time since he was elected President of the United States, George W. Bush's State of the Union address tonight will be simulcast in English, the White House confirmed.

With the president's approval ratings sagging, the decision to simulcast the speech in English was widely seen as an attempt by the president to make an appeal to a broader audience. "The majority of people in this country are English speaking, and quite frankly, we can't afford to ignore them any longer," one senior aide said. "Hopefully, by doing the English simulcast, we'll be reaching out to a lot of those folks."

Once the decision was made earlier in the month to launch the historic first English simulcast of a speech by President Bush, then began the hard work of translating the text of the address from Mr. Bush's language into English. Davis Logsdon, a professor of linguistics at the University of Minnesota, was one of several scholars approached to do the translation who ultimately quit in frustration. "The problem is that the language the president speaks, by most measures, is not a language at all," Professor Logsdon said.

Still, the White House remains guardedly optimistic about tonight's simulcast, and aides said that if all goes as planned they might soon offer English simulcasts of press briefings by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Elsewhere, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein stormed out of his courtroom today, got a good look at what was going on in the streets of Baghdad, and quickly hurried back in.

Here's another way to pass the time with you, the Prez and a bottle of Jagr!

Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
Hamas: 1 drink
North Korea: 1 drink
Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
“Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.

Predictions for 2006

A bit late I know, but here it is. What a crazy month.

Most likely to die in 2006...in no particular order:

Hugh Hefner 79
Gerald Ford 92
Dr. Kevorkian 77
Dick Cheney 64
Byron Nelson 93
Sammy Baugh 91
Kirk Douglas 89
Paul Harvey 87
Pope Benedict 78
John Wooden 95

Happy Festivus

Family activities won out this year on Festivus. Although a few grievences were aired with short stack tonight...let's hope I get pinned later. Sorry I could not make it to Cowtown for the big bash but here's hoping the spirit of Festivus finds you all well and properly pissed. Me...I'm up $78 on Party Poker and on my 6th Dos XX!

Intelligent Design Classes to be Offered

Texas A&M University officials announced this week that a new course has been approved for next year. After several months of planning by the faculty and student senate, the new pyrotechnical engineering course is to be offered in the Fall of 2006. To be referred to as "Intelligent Design for the 21st Century Aggie", the course will focus on building a better, yet smaller and safer Aggie Bonfire.

Vice Chancellor of Engineering Dr. Kemble Bennett believes the new course will fill a void in the A&M community. "After the tragedy of 1994, the A&M family has searched for something to replace the bonfire tradition. We believe this course will move us into the right direction."

The basics of the course rely heavily on a variation of a children's toy Lincoln Logs. "By simply implementing pyrotechnics to the already proven product, we believe Aggies both young and old will be able to enjoy the bonfire tradition from the safety of their own backyards" Dr. Bennett continued.

Although not tall enough to crush any of the prospective drunken engineers, Hasbro, the parent company of Lincoln Logs has filed an injunction to stop the class from being printed in the course offerings book. "Intelligent Design or not, we believe that there is no time or place to combine our product with drunkenness and kerosene" said Lauren Key, head marketing for Hasbro.

Druids Routed In School Board Election

In what could produce ripples through the national educational system, voters in Maine have ousted over 2,000 years of educational doctrine. In a vote of no-confidence, locals have voted out the Druid majority from local school boards. In an overwhelming vote, the communities of Samhain and Cuithe have decided that the time has come to end the Druidian stronghold over their communities.

These communities as well as others scattered across the northeastern seaboard have seen a rapid decrease in Druidian representation. Starting with the defeat of 237 time elected mayor Gaelen the Round of Bath, the Druidian influence has taken a dramatic downturn. "We were simply looking for a different, more enlightened approach to education" said Pierre DeMarco, head of the Samhain Parent Teacher Association.

Under the Druidian school system, students were forced to learn topics like metallurgy, herpetology, stonemasonry and astrology. Senior Douglas Young believed the Druid curriculum was a valuable addition to his core classes. "I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like we killed dogs or anything." The use of canines for incantations was replaced by felines in the late 1720's.

The news could not have come at a worse time for the Druid community. "We're all pretty tired from the Solstice Ceremony and concert and then we get this news. Everyone is a bit disoriented by these turn of events", said Nigel Tufnel, founder of the band Spinal Tap and Northern 35th Level Druid. When asked about the future for the Druids in Maine education, Tufnel added, "We'll just have to see how the bones fall but we are not ruling out litigation."

Iraqi Still Behind In Healthcare

After a year and a half of American military control in Iraq many are still feeling left behind in many areas. Most areas have had electrical and water services restored yet basic medical care has been left to the Iraqis to build from the bottom up.

Many Iraqis have resorted to using home remedies as well as performing medical procedures that are usually handled by professional medical personnel. In possibly the largest example of this would be the recent rise of proctology exams.

Election officials and sociologists are baffled by the correlation of recent voting activity in Iraq with the sudden rise of proctology exams. Dr. Valery Edwabny, head of Anal Studies at the University of Vienna said, "It is unlikely there is that large of a sphincter issue among the Iraqi people. This may be a strong indicator of a greater health problem in Iraq."Health officials are most concerned with the lack of proper hand covering during the procedure.

The tell-tell sign of an unprotected examination is a purple-bluish index finger. "Many are wearing it as a badge of honor" said Adel al-Lami, Head of the Iraqi Health Department. "If we do not control the issue, we may have greater problems to deal with in the future."