State of Union to Broadcast in English

Not my original work...but too funny to not post here!

President Hopes to Reach Broader Audience, Aides Say

For the first time since he was elected President of the United States, George W. Bush's State of the Union address tonight will be simulcast in English, the White House confirmed.

With the president's approval ratings sagging, the decision to simulcast the speech in English was widely seen as an attempt by the president to make an appeal to a broader audience. "The majority of people in this country are English speaking, and quite frankly, we can't afford to ignore them any longer," one senior aide said. "Hopefully, by doing the English simulcast, we'll be reaching out to a lot of those folks."

Once the decision was made earlier in the month to launch the historic first English simulcast of a speech by President Bush, then began the hard work of translating the text of the address from Mr. Bush's language into English. Davis Logsdon, a professor of linguistics at the University of Minnesota, was one of several scholars approached to do the translation who ultimately quit in frustration. "The problem is that the language the president speaks, by most measures, is not a language at all," Professor Logsdon said.

Still, the White House remains guardedly optimistic about tonight's simulcast, and aides said that if all goes as planned they might soon offer English simulcasts of press briefings by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Elsewhere, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein stormed out of his courtroom today, got a good look at what was going on in the streets of Baghdad, and quickly hurried back in.

Here's another way to pass the time with you, the Prez and a bottle of Jagr!

Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
Hamas: 1 drink
North Korea: 1 drink
Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
“Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.

Predictions for 2006

A bit late I know, but here it is. What a crazy month.

Most likely to die in 2006...in no particular order:

Hugh Hefner 79
Gerald Ford 92
Dr. Kevorkian 77
Dick Cheney 64
Byron Nelson 93
Sammy Baugh 91
Kirk Douglas 89
Paul Harvey 87
Pope Benedict 78
John Wooden 95